About eight years ago I sat on my couch, anxious, heart pounding, watching as Katie Couric interviewed the woman who had already become the principal player in my nightmares; then-governor and vice presidential hopeful, Sarah Palin. 

I was rattled by her answers to nearly every question, but I remember my head actually falling into my hands when she was asked, once again, if (and how) Alaska’s “proximity” to Russia enhanced her foreign policy experience.

“Well, it certainly does, because our, our next-door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of. ”  During these interviews, Palin also explained that:  “the way that I have understood the world is through education, through books, through mediums that have provided me a lot of perspective on the world.”

As an aside, when this self-professed reader of books and “mediums” was asked which newspapers or journals she utilized to keep up on current events, she answered:

“Um, all of ’em, any of ’em that, um, have, have been in front of me over all these years. Um”

It was enough to make my blood boil.

I found, however, that I had a comedic remedy for my Sarah-Palin-induced-hypertension in 2008. I watched with sheer pleasure as people like Tina Fay and John Stewart verbally and comedically eviscerated Palin; someone who not only had no right to get anywhere near the White House, but was also bat shit crazy. 

It kept me sane. It kept me whole. And it gave me hope. So, I got through the election. But now, eight years later, I find that my mental health is once again in peril. 

Trump is killing me. I need medicine, stat. 

Sure – there are some great skits on SNL, and yes, I’ve watched with pleasure as Trevor Noah, John Oliver, and Steven Colbert have taken on the man who has become the newest lead character in nightmares.

But my blood pressure has continued to soar over the last few months. That is likely because Sarah Palin’s words pale in comparison to what is coming out of Donald Trump’s mouth and/or Twitter account on a regular basis. And, more importantly, Donald Trump is a much more terrifying beast.

I need some comedy, folks.

So, in hopes that I will find some therapeutic benefit, I would like to present my own version of the editorial segment from Amy Poehler and Seth Meyer’s good old days on SNL’s Weekend Update, which was called:

Really?!?

Let’s see if I can get some therapy by evaluating some of Trumps amazing quotes.

#1 In an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon, Trump proudly declared “I am the least racist person that you have ever met”

Really?!? Really?!?

Wow. If that is true, I must be surrounded by really, really racist people. Because Mr. Trump, you seem less concerned about “Making America great” and more concerned with “Making America white”.  

The Washington Post compiled a list of things Trump said would do as president. This list includes his plans to:

• “Build a wall along the southern border 
• Deport the almost 11 million immigrants illegally living in the United States
• End birthright citizenship
• Ban foreign Muslims from entering the United States
• Bar Syrian refugees from entering the country and kick out any who are already living here
• Heavily surveil mosques in the United States
• Create a database of Syrian refugees  – and he hasn’t ruled out the creation of a database of Muslims in the country
• Target and kill the relatives of terrorists”

And let’s not forget his inability to disavow the KKK or David Duke. If that ain’t racist, I don’t know what is…

#2 In an interview with Rolling Stone, he said “I’m running for office in a country that’s essentially bankrupt, and it needs a successful businessman”.  Successful businessman? Is that what he is? 

Really?!? Really?!?

It’s quite simple. Mr. Trump is rich because of his inheritance and family connections.

Articles in the Washington Post, the LA times, Fortune Magazine and so many more discuss that little tidbit in detail.  And, he is not as successful as he claims. There are folks who have calculated that he basically would have been better off putting daddy’s money in a solid retirement account rather than trying to be a “businessman”. 

Let’s also consider some of his lesser-known business beauties. Exhibit A – Trump Steaks; a venture of Mr. Trump’s. It seems that Mr. Trump was not able to successfully sell red meat to a gigantic country of red-meat-eaters. The ridiculous Trump Steak endeavor doesn’t look like it lasted very long. And p.s., those steaks reportedly tasted “meh” and were priced at hundreds of dollars. Criminal.

How about Exhibit B – Trump University, for which Donald Trump is now being sued. NPR interviewed a student of said “University” who confirmed that it was most definitely not a place of learning. It involved a scheme where aggressive sales tactics were used to push susceptible people into spending tens of thousands of dollars on a (nonexistent) real estate curriculum. Trump is, of course, not happy with this lawsuit. This “least racist person you will ever meet”  called his trial unfair – one reason being that the judge’s Mexican heritage presents a “conflict of interest”. 

Even Paul Ryan is flipping out. 

Mr. Trump, you are not a successful businessman. You are a wealthy, whiny, spoiled baby with a penchant for bankruptcy, cheap sales tactics and ego-induced self promotion. You act less like a businessman and more like a pampered and annoying child who is trying to steal a poor kid’s lollipop.

Which brings me to…

#3 – At a North Carolina Political Rally, Donald Trump stated he is so truthful, that he may even be “truthful to a fault”.

Really?!? Really?!?

It seems to be that lies slip out of this man’s mouth significantly more often than the tall tales told to me by the greasy dude that sold me my first car at age 19. 

If above statements 1 and 2 aren’t enough, consider this:  Politico published the results of just one week of fact-checking. What did they find? “More than five dozen statements deemed mischaracterizations, exaggerations, or simply false …  it equates to roughly one misstatement every five minutes on average.”

Truthful Mr. Trump, you are not. A real candidate for President of the United States, you are not.

Ok, I think I need to finish my rant. Has this exercise been a therapeutic one for me? I’m not sure. I can’t say that I feel better. In fact, my blood pressure is probably back up. Great.

Because let’s face it:

The biggest (and saddest) joke of all is that that Donald Trump even got this far. 

_____________________________________________

For background, you can find:

Katie Couric’s CNN transcripts from her Palin interviews here, and a compilation of her best interview moments here.  Politicio’s Fact Checking here ,  and The Washington Post’s list’s of campaign promises  here.  There is information on his business record in so many places, including the LA times, Washington Post and Fortune for just a few examples.  And Trump steaks? Here is information from the Washington Post and NBC news . Then there is the  NPR Trump University interview here.

Like they say on the “X Files”, the truth is (most definitely) out there…